Friday, December 28, 2007

Why I Pray that Britney Spears Lives a Long Life?

CNN IBN has a recent piece on Britney Spears in which some big shit (did I mean to type 'big shot'?) analyst and addiction expert has averred that Britney's "bubble has burst" (wonder what he meant by that?) and that she is on a suicidal path where each of her recently bizarre actions (one of them being numerous visits to gas stations reportedly to pee) indicative of her fervent plea for help. If she commits suicide, she would have died young. She's only 26, you see!

I'll quote from the article which can be accessed here : Brit's 'bubble of illusion' could 'end in suicide'

"She's losing it now, and she's going to eventually lose it altogether if she doesn't get the help she needs."


"She's exhibiting bipolar signs and she's clearly fighting depression,"

...Brenner insisted that this might be Britney’s latest ploy for gaining attention after her 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn's announced her pregnancy.

"Britney now needs to cry out for even more attention. She's really going for it. No one stops to pee that many times. She has a major problem," he said.

But the important question that needs to be addressed here is the following. Why has the great Nanga Fakir, the high profile, ultra popular blogger-in-demand whose mere name causes his enemies to shit in their pants decided to report on this?

Let us imagine that Britney Spears decided to kill herself tomorrow by choking on her own shit (a not unlikely scenario, experts tell me). Probably a lot of horny teens will lose their idol. Hers will be considered a tragic suicide, another case of a musical sensation deciding to end her life early. And that is where the trouble will start.

Commentators will instantly put her in the league of those that died early-Duane Allman (25) (of The Allman Brothers Band), Jim Morrison (The Doors), Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) (all when they were 27-the age when I think Britney Spears will choke on her shit), Ronnie Van Zant (29) (Lynyrd Skynyrd), Jeff Buckley (30) and Layne Staley (Alice in Chains) (32). And that is when (I prophesy) hordes of techies will rip their shirts off, howl at the top of their lungs, destroy their cubicles, sift through the junk in their homes to find their Kurt Cobain/Jim Morrison T-shirts they hadn't worn in a long time, don them proudly and march on the streets of Kormangala and mourn her inclusion in the holy pantheon. And the damned commentators will 'interpret' this act as a march of Britney Spears fans.

Now would THAT SUCK!!!

Let the 'one more time baby' live through at least forty. After that, we don't care shit. Do we?

Friday, December 07, 2007

Of Dark Lords and their Minions

A really, really cute firang girl stopped Nanga Fakir as he was walking his trademark absent-minded-looking-down-on-the-ground walks. Why???

"Elementary, my dear Watson! She is smitten by your month long stubble, scattered (lice ridden?) hair and skeletal, unwashed-for-seven-days body. Look at her as she smiles in sweet anticipation of having an audience with the great man!", he said to himself.

Yes, clearly Nanga Fakir had slain one more fair maiden. Behold the power of smelly underwears!

Fair Maiden: "Won't you have a look at this book?"
Nanga Fakir forcibly takes his eyes off her bewitching face to the ware she was selling.

The book was Bhagwad Gita. Nanga Fakir could not, but laugh his famous cruel, maniacal laughter (which reached across to the Fair Maiden as a soft chuckle).

Fair Maiden: "You're Indian? No? You must know the deep philosophy contained in it."

Nanga Fakir: (Still laughing his cruel-laughter-which-is-manifested-as-a-soft-chuckle) "Yeah I know! But I am an atheist". And as he said these words and felt slightly proud of himself, he saw, that a part of the Fair Maiden wilted, even visibly so.

Fair Maiden: "But you know this is independent of all these things...No?

A deep regard for aesthetics stopped Nanga Fakir from saying what he had in mind. "Let Alice be in Wonderland. The fuck you care???" he said to himself.

So he grew quiet and let the Fair Maiden begin her story-how the Prince of ISKCON had come to rescue her from the great black Demon of Despondency and how the Fair Maiden was, but a month away from her sojourn in Vrindavan-the abode of the handsome prince of ISKCON.

Nanga Fakir tried to listen but could not. So he, rather abruptly and even cruelly, stopped the (rather emotional) recounting of the Fair Maiden's story and muttered some pitifully lame excuse and ran off.


But he could not forget the Fair Maiden. Why??? Did Nanga Fakir finally fall in love? ...Fuck no! Why then? Why?

He kept thinking about her as he randomly roamed around. Her earnest face, full of new found conviction, kept returning back to him. He had rebuked her irrevocably and her deeply affronted (or so he imagined) face came back to haunt him.

"What the fuck is the problem with these firangs?", he said to himself, by now genuinely angered-both at the snazzy, fashionably spiritually minded firangs as well as himself, for having been thinking about the Fair Maiden for so long.

But he imagined her alone in the far off lands of the Old Country-full of dust, dirt and mysterious magic. And he saw evil demons eyeing the Fair Maiden lasciviously and also the sly sorcerers who would magically transform themselves into great yogis and lure the (rather gullible) Fair Maiden into their secret caves. He gave an involuntary, anguished cry and ran back to the one he had so wantonly wronged.

He had no problem in finding her as she unsuccessfully tried to sell spirituality to fellow kids who were probably already sold out to the great American Dream. Nanga Fakir sneaked up to her.

Nanga Fakir: "Hi, I am back."
Fair Maiden: "Hi..."
Nanga Fakir: "...I...I just came back to say this......"

Some oppressive silence.

Nanga Fakir: "Look, there are many imposters out there in the garb of holy men. Don't go out with people you don't know. Trust me on this. Take care of yourself".

A barely inaudible "Thanks" escaped the visibly surprised lips of the Fair Maiden. He didn't know why, but he held her hands and squeezed them as he felt a gush of genuine brotherly affection for her surge through him. He saw she was about to speak something, but before she could do that, he muttered something lame and ran off.

PS: In one of the English translations, I read Krishna referred to as The Dark Lord. (Krishna means 'Black/Dark' in Sanskrit.)

"Whoa...", I said to myself. Who wouldn't want to follow The Dark Lord? It sounds so awesome! Sauron, Voldemort, Darth Vader-all the most awesome villains (with the notable exception of Mogambo and Gabbar Singh) were referred to as The Dark Lord.

Man do I want to join ISKCON just to be called the minion of The Dark Lord!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007